25 Unbelievably Boring Things You Didn't Know About Me

1) I sleep in a hyperbaric chamber. This is to ensure that I stay beautiful and look 28 for the rest of my life.

2) I don't believe in gravity. Not like "ooh, the gravity of the situation is unbearable." More like the gravity that allegedly keeps us from floating off into space...I just don't think it's real.

3) I have 46 different tubes of mascara. And have tried them all. And still haven't found one that I am completely impressed with.

4) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

5) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

6) Don't tell anyone, but I have a secret crush on Leonard Nimoy.

7) Don't tell my husband...but I adore Lady Gaga. I'm serious, don't tell him. He'll never let me hear the end of it!

8) If I could be 21 again...I wouldn't...maybe I'd like to stay at 25...but I don't ever want to be 21 ever again.

9) My hair isn't real. I'm actually bald. I suffer from a rare condition called alpha-1 antiepidermalhair syndrome. I've had this problem for 10 years. Every 6 months I take a secret trek to India where I have a monastery full of women growing their hair out for me to come and choose whichever ladies locks I like the best. Jeff just thinks I'm popping off to Vain Salon in Seattle to get my hair colored by Carissa.

10) I invented transwarp teleportation. This is how Jeff thinks I am simply at the salon when I am in fact, in India getting my hair weaved. Gene Rodenberry borrowed my idea for his famous "Star Trek" books and television shows. I get paid $2.14 in royalties each week.

11) $2.14 * 52 weeks = $111.28 in royalties that I receive from the Rodenberry foundation each year. I spend it on gum and gloves. Which I usually bury in my parents back yard each 12th day of the month at 3am. This has been going on for years. This is the first they'll be hearing about it.

12) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

13) I hate it when people blame their Thanksgiving sleepiness on triptophan overload. It's a myth, I tell you. A myth! Triptophan does not make you sleepy! This is just an excuse for the men to slink off and take a nap and leave the poor women in the kitchen doing the dishes!

14) If I owned my own business, I would open a little shop and call it "Rachel's Sandwich Shop." We would serve tacos, and gelato, and nothing else. Not even water. You'll have to bring your own water. In an eco-friendly container, as I am allergic to styrofoam.

15) I easily get distracted by sparkly things. This makes my wedding ring particularly hazardous to people that are driving on the road with me on a sunny day. I got stuck in the elevator for 6 hours yesterday just going up and down because I had just had my ring cleaned, and forgot what I was doing.

16) You know how normal people crave different foods? I crave things like lipstick and mascara and pink cardigans.

18) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

19) So, I have this idea for a great movie. It's about two gnomes who find a bracelet of power, and they have to take it to the Burning Steppes and cast it into the Cauldron. They form the Brotherhood of the Bracelet. Along the way they're trailed by a murloc named Gottom, who's obsessed with the bracelet, and nine bracelet bogeymen. It could be a three-parter, called 'Ruler of the Bracelet'. The first part would be called 'The Brotherhood of the Bracelet', followed by 'A Couple of Towers', with the climactic ending called 'Hey, the King's Back!' I tried to pitch it to Wingnut Films and New Line Cinema, but they wouldn't go for it. They said it'd already been done. Must find out who this Peter Jackson fellow is and kill him. Along with his muse, some guy named JRR Tolkein.

20) I don't care about Team Edward or Team Jacob. For me it's all Team Sylar. There's simply no other way to go.

21) I was a praying mantis in another life. It was kind of a lonely childhood. Along with all the other pressures of adolescence, there was the constant threat of being devoured. People would say "Hey, where's Billy?" "Oh Billy? He got devoured!" It made it really hard to get up a decent kickball game. So I started conquering galaxies instead!

22) I pretend that I care to read intellectual books by Jane Austen and Charles Dickens. But really, all I care about are Sophie Kinsella novels. And that Stephanie Meyer lady. Oh, and I like that JK Rowling lady too. She's quite lovely.

23) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

24) I'm a compulsive liar.

25) I like pancakes.

Run...don't walk...from the sexy vampires. Or was it pirates?

So as a lot of you know...I hopped on the Twilight bandwagon. (This will be much to my friend Denise's chagrin. Or...if I'm lucky...maybe it'll just make her grin.) Anyway...I didn't want to do it. I kicked and screamed my way through the 4 books. And loved them. Except for about a 150 page part of the book that was just so unbelievably silly that it truly made me wonder if Stephanie Meyer has, in fact, jumped the couch. At the very least, she had a bit of writers block and had run out of stuff to dribble on about, but her editor demanded at least a 650 page book, so she needed to find something. That's my theory anyway. Anyway...I had a very hilarious, very Rachelesque dream the other night that I would like to share with you. This will, in fact, prove that reading Twilight can be hazardous to your sleep schedule and your husband's wallet.
I had a dream that my very best friend was a vampire. Her name was Anna. And ironically, she looked just like the chick who plays Anna in the series V. (I'm pretty sure I had this dream on a Tuesday night, which is when V airs...so go figure.) This made her other best friend (who was also a vampire) quite angry. Her name was Bolma. (Don't judge me, I didn't come up with the names on my own...my subconcious did. I think I also may have watched an old episode of Dragonball Z....Bolma happens to be the main character's wife in that show.) Ok so anyway Bolma is mad at me for taking away her best friend Anna. But I'm not going to let something like that bother me...I'm just excited to have a girlfriend who is at home the same time of day as I am! So Anna and I go to the mall because I decided that I'd like to go to Sephora and find the perfect shade of red lipstick. But this is something that I wouldn't dare do without another woman's honest opinion of how it looks on me. Ok so Anna and I are in Sephora with our favorite salesguy JW (this is, in fact, a real cosmetics rep at the Sephora in Southcenter and I adore him) trying on red lipsticks. I am getting jealous of Anna because she can manage to make her lipsticks look so perfect (one of the many perks of being a vampire is excellent hand coordination) and I just look like a little kid trying on her mummy's makeup. Or at best, someone who put on her red lipstick in the dark while driving down a road full of potholes. In Iowa. So Anna tells me she'll help me put mine on, but I tell her first that I need an orange julius. (Which is bizarre...because I haven't had an orange julius for at least 2 years. The last time being when my brother Nathan and I went to the Bellevue Square Mall so that we could buy our Daddy's Christmas gift at the Bose store.) So I pop out of Sephora and who should be there to meet me, but Bolma. And she's MMMMMMAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!!!!!! She wants to kill me for stealing Anna away from her! So she starts to chase me...and I'm having a hard time running away from her. I run back into Sephora because I know that Anna will keep me safe from crazy Bolma. But the catch is...Bolma happens to be a shape-shifter...a power that only works when she is in Sephora. And she shape-shifts into the shape of Anna. OH NO! What do I do? How do I keep myself safe from crazy Bolma when I don't know which one she is! Auuuggghhh!
At this point in the dream, I woke up. I then professed a desire to go to Sephora to my husband. He took me down that afternoon, where JW helped me pick out 2 beautiful shades of red lipstick. Because...my dreams make me crave makeup. At least they don't make me crave food! Oooh and I found (Denise you're going to love this!) a sampler of 10 different mascaras! I'm going to wrap them up and put them under the Christmas tree to open on Christmas day and act surprised!! And this...ladies and gentlemen...is proof that reading Twilight can be hazardous to your sleep schedule and to your husband's wallet. Because I've had insomnia ever since that dream...and well...2 lipsticks and a 10-sampler-pack of mascara at Sephora isn't exactly cheap!

Tell me, friends...what do your dreams make you crave?

An Awkward Moment Brought To You By Rachel Wood...or...My Love Affair With A Hobo

Here in the International District (aka Chinatown) of Seattle, there are a LOT of homeless people. Jeff and I have names for the regulars.
There is Help a Skinny Girl Eat, who is seen most frequently. I have witnessed this lady get out of her boyfriend's sports car, kiss him goodbye, put her designer Chanel sunglasses on the dash, and go to her corner. From there she proceeds to ask people "got a couple bucks to help a skinny girl eat?" I have also witnessed her go into a public restroom, stay in there for quite some time, and come out completely euphoric. Now, it could be that she's in a good mood because she finally took a dump for the first time in ages...or it could also be that she went in there to shoot up. She went away for the summer, I didn't see her for 2 whole months! I just saw her recently and...she aint so skinny anymore! Maybe she found a corner where people were more willing to give her money so she could eat and that's why she's put on weight. One can hope.
There is also Cup Shaker, who just sits there on the corner and shakes his cup at you. He also does it while sitting in traffic. What I mean by that is...you are sitting in traffic and he will come up to you in the middle of the lane right up to your car window and shake his cup at you. If you try to ignore him...he will just sit there shaking his cup at you. One time he tapped on my window. Or if you are walking he will follow you down the road shaking his cup at you.
I haven't seen Ghetto Jesus in quite some time...so I can't really comment on him.
My favorite is this older gentleman who is always dressed quite nicely. He always has a different story. "I need $5 to get on a bus with my girlfriend." (The funny thing about this is...the King County Metro System is free from 7am-7pm every day, and always free down in the bus tunnell.) Last night he asked my friend Denise to help him get into the homeless shelter. He mostly stands on the outside of Uwajimaya Apartments and asks for money. Oh...his nickname?? Singing Bum.
Last night Denise and I had quite the time trying to eat our meager bowl of soup while we talked about her recent trip to London. This gentleman came up and tapped on the window and asked us for money. Twice. We then moved on to "A Piece Of Cake" for dessert, and once again he came up and tapped on the window to ask for money. THEN he came INTO the store and asked another person for money. I didn't have any cash on me. Had I, I would have given it to him simply to make him go away.
My favorite moment, the one that really took the cake...was last week. I had a gentleman come up to me and beg for some money..."please ma'am, I'm hungry ma'am." Regretfully, I had no cash on me. I was in the store picking up some supper for myself and Jeff, when my heart-strings tugged. So I grabbed an extra burrito and went out to give it to him, thinking he might be happy to have some food. Boy was I mistaken. He took one look at the burrito, and then said "I don't like beans." And then asked me for the pad thai that I was going to be eating for supper. I guess beggars CAN be choosers.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not here to judge these people. I don't know what kind of situation these people found themselves in to be in this position. And whenever I do have a bit of cash, I will usually gladly fork it over. If a person asks for food I am always happy to get them some food. I try to show these people some kindness.
There are two types of homeless people that I will *ALWAYS* give money too, and do so happily. There are the Real Change guys. These people purchase the Real Change newspaper for $.35, and turn around and sell it for $1, thus making $.65 profit for each newspaper. I am always happy to fork over some money to these ladies and gentlemen, because I have seen firsthand that Real Change has actually changed people's lives. One time (during the big snow last month) I saw a gentleman get on the bus, in a nice suit with a laptop case. On his laptop case was a button that said "Real Change Works." Me being the completely tactless person I am, flat out asked him if he was a real change worker. He told me "I used to be, but managed to finally save up enough money to get my life on track and now I work for Microsoft." WOOOHOOO! I was thrilled for this man.
I also like to give money to street musicians. I am a musician myself. I play piano (poorly) and love to sing (to the point that sometimes it's hard to get me to shut up.) So when I see people on the street doing what they love, I can't help but want to contribute to the cause. Hey, they have more guts than I do! I don't have the guts to go on the street and sing, or drag my little piano down to Pike Street Market and play for people! Kudos to them! Kudos to anyone who tries to make money doing what they love! (On that note, RIP Tuba Man. A gentleman who would play Tuba before all of the major sports games...was brutally beaten by a couple of punk teenagers last October and died as a result. I met this man one time...but I still went to his Memorial Service and sobbed uncontrollably through the whole thing.)
My most awkward moment happened today. I was going to BOA to pick up a money order to send to sodding Uncle Sam so that my beloved doesn't get Al Capone'd. A Real Change gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes and said "ma'am, I don't want any money" (even though I had already started to reach into my handbag) "I'm just so hungry...would you buy me some food?" Well, I hate to sound completely selfish, but I needed to get that blasted money order in the mail in time to go out today...so I told the gentleman "I have an errand that I have to have done in the next 15 minutes, but I will happily give you some money to go get something to eat." I then grabbed all the money in my wallet (A wopping $7) and handed it over to him. He took in a huge staggering breath, put his duffel bag on the ground, threw his arms around me, and then KISSED ME ON THE NECK!!! Then didn't let go for easily 30 seconds. Now don't get me wrong, I always appreciate a sign of gratitude. But the long hug and the kiss on the neck made me a bit uncomfortable. Especially the kiss on the neck. Only my husband kisses me on the neck.
Anyway, I hope the gentleman enjoys his lunch. I'm off to make myself some tuna and tomatoes...but I just wanted to share my moment of awkwardness with all ya'll.

Totally Lame Moment Brought To You By Rachel

It's lame but, I am really sad that our wedding is over! Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to finally be Jeff's wife. And I am thrilled that the stress of planning the wedding is over. But the day itself? Was the best day of my entire life. If I may say so myself, I looked (and felt) so incredibly beautiful. My wedding gown is laying on our dressing table with my beautiful veil laying over the top of it. And I look at it a few times a day and think about how sad I am that I'll never be able to wear my wedding gown again. I still put on my veil at least once a day and prance around the house. (If you weren't at my wedding, my veil was truly something to behold. It was embroidered with pearls and Swarovski crystals in the shape of flowers, with a 9 foot attachment that I wore only for the ceremony. I'm sure you can understand my love of my veil after that description. LOL.) But seriously, the day was beautiful. I was surrounded by all of my best friends in the whole world, and my family whom I love so much. And where we had the wedding was breathtakingly beautiful. Surrounded by 3 Islands, it was such a beautiful setting. It was quiet and peaceful. It was a beautiful day. We had delicious food. And our cake was the most awesome wedding cakes ever made. No I am not biased, it's true. And the best part of the day? I walked away as Jeff's wife. Quite frankly, could you blame me for wanting to repeat it every day of my life? Or at any rate, could you hardly blame me for being kind of sad that it's over?

In related news, I finally got my name legally changed today. The social security office won't let me legally change my middle name to my maiden name without going to court. So I am now Racheloni Balogna Sachertorte. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am upset or anything like that. Quite the contrary. But...my Daddy chose me when I was 5 years old to have the last name as him. I wanted to keep it as part of my name forever. And they won't let me without going before a judge. What gives?

Ok, off to have a shot of rum as I am now in tears.

Until next time, keep your stick on the ice!

I Had A Great Idea For A Movie!!!*

It could be about these two little people who find this bracelet. An evil bracelet. And they need to destroy said bracelet. The story could be all about their journey to do so. It could be called "The Ruler Of The Bracelet." It could be a three part series. The first part of the series could be called "The Brotherhood Of The Bracelet" followed by "A Couple Of Towers" and the climactic finale (I said climactic not climaxtic thankyouverymuch) could be called "HEY! The king's back!"

What do you think?









*Alas, I didn't come up with this on my own. It's a joke from World of Warcraft.

Monty Python Meets Saw

Recently I had a dream that Jeff and I were going through a game created by Jigsaw. (I heart Tobin Bell but I think I need to stop watching his movies before bedtime). However, it wasn't a regular Jigsaw game where you have to do things like chop off your hands and rip out your own piercings. It was kind of like Monty Python meets Saw. Like one of the rooms had these chairs that you had to sit in and get your kneecaps repeatedly hit with a hammer. Except they were those big blow-up hammers that you win at the fair. Stuff like that. All in all, a pretty funny game.

But...I gotta quit watching creepy movies before bed.

In other news, I am quite excited for my next Netflix shipment. A Haunting In Connecticut, One Missed Call, White Noise, and the Japanese version of The Ring are on their way.

I really should go clean the bathroom...but I am really enjoying this show on The Discovery Channel called "Haunting" right now.

I need help.

Incendent at Loch Ness meets Saw

I had this dream last night that I went on a mini-holiday on a friend's houseboat over Loch Ness. Jeff wasn't with me. There was a hurricane. As if that wasn't scary enough, we got lost after the hurricane. Everyone died except for myself and 2 other people. One of them was an old co-worker, and the other was my friend Katie (as in Jacques and Katie). We floated around forever, malnourished and scared. We were finally found, and woke up in someone's home. My first thought was to call Jeff. But Jeff was already there, right next to me. We were all hooked up to machines taking our blood. I came-to and got us all free. We jumped into an SUV to escape. As we were driving away, my ex-co-worder confessed that she was behind it and was going to kill us all. I managed to fight her off and get her out of the SUV and keep driving. Katie said "we have to go back. I have to take you back to Tammy or she'll kill me." I said "no, I don't want to die and neither does Jeff." She said "those who are afraid of death are dead anyway because they're living their life in fear." I said "that's not it, I just don't feel like dying." We got into a big argument, with Jeff finally saying "FINE! LET'S GO BACK!" So we drove back. The maniac behind it all wanted to drain us of our blood. However I wasn't ready to quit fighting. Jeff said "just draw my blood. Go ahead." But his blood wasn't draining. So I attacked our captor and chopped off her hands and drained her blood and the door opened and we were free.

Blech.

Leather and Riverdance

So the other night I had this dream that it was the day before my wedding, and I had yet to get my beloved a wedding gift. I was already in La Conner, so shopping was quaint but limited. It was 8:00 on a Saturday night (La Conner tends to close down around 5pm) and the only place that was open was a leather goods store. (I know...kinky right?) So I thought perhaps I would go and find him a nice leather jacket, or a belt. (To hold up his pants.) I walk into the store, and started to peruse the merchandise. (Doesn't that sound way better than "look around"? Peruse the merchandise...I think I'll use it the next time I go into Best Buy). Ok so I'm perusing some merchandise...and the shop owners come up to me. One of them is none other than Lief Sorbye of one of my favourite bands, Tempest. The other shop owner is...Michael Flatley. You know...Lord of the Dance? The man whose legs flail about wildly as if independent from his body? That one. He was the other owner of the leather goods store that I was trying to buy a wedding gift for Jeff in! So Lief started playing guitar and singing and Michael started dancing around while showing me a large assortment of head-bands, and those little things that you stick in your hair with a stick. I kept trying to explain to Michael that I was there looking for a wedding gift for my fiance, and did he perhaps have a nice leather jacket or something? Next thing I know...he's dancing around in one of those white leather jackets with the fringe and the eagle on the back of it like Elvis used to wear. I was getting quite irritated, but I needed to get Jeff a gift, so I got him the Elvis coat. And he hated it. The end!

In other news, I have to take Dobby to the vet tomorrow. Her little eye is all goopy and I'm hoping that there's nothing seriously long.

TTFN!

P.S. Included are 3 pictures of Michael Flatley...just in case you didn't know precisely of whom I am speaking. And ironically...in 2 of those pictures he is wearing leather jackets. One of them uncannily like the jacket of which I dreamt him dancing around in that I purchased for Jeff.

Seriously Spaghetti Factory?

So my first posting will be for the part of the section that I would like to call "fear my yelp." Basically, I am addicted to the website yelp, and take great amounts of pleasure in going online an lambasting businesses that I think smell like cabbage. I also give credit when credit is due. Anyway, I haven't gotten the opportunity to go and yelp my most recent dining experience...or should I say haven't taken the opportunity to go and yelp my my recent dining experience? Either way...I haven't yelped about it yet!

Anywhoo...when Jeff's mother came up for the wedding, we took her to supper at The Old Spaghetti Factory. Ok don't get me wrong. I'm not going to complain about The Old Spaghetti Factory. The food is scrumptious and very decently priced. Nope, I'm going to sit here and whine about one of their servers named...well...maybe I shouldn't tell you her name...people will sue you over ANYTHING these days! Ok...so let's call her Beaulah.

Beaulah is quite possibly one of the worst waitresses ever. She's young, so maybe she can't help it. But still, you'd think that you'd have to have a bit of experience before working for a very busy restaurant like the Downtown Seattle Spaghetti Factory. Yes? No? Anyone? Bueller? But I digest...er...digress...OK so here's my big complaint with Beaulah. (By the way, if you want to know her real name, contact me at my personal email address so that you can avoid being seated in this young woman's section if you ever decide to go to the Spaghetti Factory.) Ok...so...back to Beaulah. We were seated up in the trolley. (Not like an actual trolley that drives down the road...but a seating section shaped like an old trolley...just in case you were unclear about that.) Ok...so...seated in the trolley...she came over to take our order before we'd even had 2 minutes to look at our menu! Well, we weren't ready to order yet so we asked for a few more minutes. You'd think that Beaulah would have said "no problem, can I get some drinks or appetizers going for you while you wait?" Yeah...apparently she didn't want to do that...it would have made too much sense. But no problem, we assumed she'd be back in 5 minutes. Try 15 minutes! Ok...so...15 minutes later she comes back and takes *OUR DRINK ORDER AND THAT'S IT* and then takes forever to get our drinks to us. At this point I'm starving and cranky...I can't imagine how my Mother in Law felt after having spent a kajillion hours on a bus. Yes, a kajillion. No it's not a real measure of time, what's your point? Anyway, she brings our drinks and finally takes our food order. Which comes in a timely manner. However...she comes by every 7 minutes or so to see if we're done eating. We all have most of our food still sitting on our plates and she's all like "can I get you some boxes? Are you ready for ice cream?" Uh...no thanks Beaulah...I still have 3/4ths of my supper left on my plate. Here's the real thing that bothered me...in every dining experience I have had, if the server sees that your drink is low, they usually offer to get you another one, right? Not Beaulah. I mean, my diet coke was empty and I was chewing on the ice cubes and had to ask her for another one. Same went for Jeff's diet coke and his Mummy's coffee. And the real irritant was...ok so Mummy in law had a really sore tooth so she was taking her time eating. No big deal, Jeff and I were having fun talking her ear off. But I kid you not, Beaulah came by to see if she was done eating SO OFTEN that Mummy-In-Law finally got fed up and just asked for a box to take the rest of her food home. Ok no wait, that's not exactly how it happened. She finally got fed up and asked for her ice cream. And then had to wait 15 minutes for Beaulah to come back and pick up the debit card to pay for our bill to even ask for a box. Ugh. Beaulah is a bad server. Good riddance! So that's my complaint about my most recent dining experience (and by most recent, I mean it happened like 20 days ago and I've eaten at like 5 other restaurants since then). So later on I'll use this whiny blog to go and write out a more grown-up-version for yelp. Hehehehe....fear my yelp! Nighty-night everyone!