25 Unbelievably Boring Things You Didn't Know About Me

1) I sleep in a hyperbaric chamber. This is to ensure that I stay beautiful and look 28 for the rest of my life.

2) I don't believe in gravity. Not like "ooh, the gravity of the situation is unbearable." More like the gravity that allegedly keeps us from floating off into space...I just don't think it's real.

3) I have 46 different tubes of mascara. And have tried them all. And still haven't found one that I am completely impressed with.

4) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

5) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

6) Don't tell anyone, but I have a secret crush on Leonard Nimoy.

7) Don't tell my husband...but I adore Lady Gaga. I'm serious, don't tell him. He'll never let me hear the end of it!

8) If I could be 21 again...I wouldn't...maybe I'd like to stay at 25...but I don't ever want to be 21 ever again.

9) My hair isn't real. I'm actually bald. I suffer from a rare condition called alpha-1 antiepidermalhair syndrome. I've had this problem for 10 years. Every 6 months I take a secret trek to India where I have a monastery full of women growing their hair out for me to come and choose whichever ladies locks I like the best. Jeff just thinks I'm popping off to Vain Salon in Seattle to get my hair colored by Carissa.

10) I invented transwarp teleportation. This is how Jeff thinks I am simply at the salon when I am in fact, in India getting my hair weaved. Gene Rodenberry borrowed my idea for his famous "Star Trek" books and television shows. I get paid $2.14 in royalties each week.

11) $2.14 * 52 weeks = $111.28 in royalties that I receive from the Rodenberry foundation each year. I spend it on gum and gloves. Which I usually bury in my parents back yard each 12th day of the month at 3am. This has been going on for years. This is the first they'll be hearing about it.

12) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

13) I hate it when people blame their Thanksgiving sleepiness on triptophan overload. It's a myth, I tell you. A myth! Triptophan does not make you sleepy! This is just an excuse for the men to slink off and take a nap and leave the poor women in the kitchen doing the dishes!

14) If I owned my own business, I would open a little shop and call it "Rachel's Sandwich Shop." We would serve tacos, and gelato, and nothing else. Not even water. You'll have to bring your own water. In an eco-friendly container, as I am allergic to styrofoam.

15) I easily get distracted by sparkly things. This makes my wedding ring particularly hazardous to people that are driving on the road with me on a sunny day. I got stuck in the elevator for 6 hours yesterday just going up and down because I had just had my ring cleaned, and forgot what I was doing.

16) You know how normal people crave different foods? I crave things like lipstick and mascara and pink cardigans.

18) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

19) So, I have this idea for a great movie. It's about two gnomes who find a bracelet of power, and they have to take it to the Burning Steppes and cast it into the Cauldron. They form the Brotherhood of the Bracelet. Along the way they're trailed by a murloc named Gottom, who's obsessed with the bracelet, and nine bracelet bogeymen. It could be a three-parter, called 'Ruler of the Bracelet'. The first part would be called 'The Brotherhood of the Bracelet', followed by 'A Couple of Towers', with the climactic ending called 'Hey, the King's Back!' I tried to pitch it to Wingnut Films and New Line Cinema, but they wouldn't go for it. They said it'd already been done. Must find out who this Peter Jackson fellow is and kill him. Along with his muse, some guy named JRR Tolkein.

20) I don't care about Team Edward or Team Jacob. For me it's all Team Sylar. There's simply no other way to go.

21) I was a praying mantis in another life. It was kind of a lonely childhood. Along with all the other pressures of adolescence, there was the constant threat of being devoured. People would say "Hey, where's Billy?" "Oh Billy? He got devoured!" It made it really hard to get up a decent kickball game. So I started conquering galaxies instead!

22) I pretend that I care to read intellectual books by Jane Austen and Charles Dickens. But really, all I care about are Sophie Kinsella novels. And that Stephanie Meyer lady. Oh, and I like that JK Rowling lady too. She's quite lovely.

23) I've had 4 concussions in my life.

24) I'm a compulsive liar.

25) I like pancakes.

Run...don't walk...from the sexy vampires. Or was it pirates?

So as a lot of you know...I hopped on the Twilight bandwagon. (This will be much to my friend Denise's chagrin. Or...if I'm lucky...maybe it'll just make her grin.) Anyway...I didn't want to do it. I kicked and screamed my way through the 4 books. And loved them. Except for about a 150 page part of the book that was just so unbelievably silly that it truly made me wonder if Stephanie Meyer has, in fact, jumped the couch. At the very least, she had a bit of writers block and had run out of stuff to dribble on about, but her editor demanded at least a 650 page book, so she needed to find something. That's my theory anyway. Anyway...I had a very hilarious, very Rachelesque dream the other night that I would like to share with you. This will, in fact, prove that reading Twilight can be hazardous to your sleep schedule and your husband's wallet.
I had a dream that my very best friend was a vampire. Her name was Anna. And ironically, she looked just like the chick who plays Anna in the series V. (I'm pretty sure I had this dream on a Tuesday night, which is when V airs...so go figure.) This made her other best friend (who was also a vampire) quite angry. Her name was Bolma. (Don't judge me, I didn't come up with the names on my own...my subconcious did. I think I also may have watched an old episode of Dragonball Z....Bolma happens to be the main character's wife in that show.) Ok so anyway Bolma is mad at me for taking away her best friend Anna. But I'm not going to let something like that bother me...I'm just excited to have a girlfriend who is at home the same time of day as I am! So Anna and I go to the mall because I decided that I'd like to go to Sephora and find the perfect shade of red lipstick. But this is something that I wouldn't dare do without another woman's honest opinion of how it looks on me. Ok so Anna and I are in Sephora with our favorite salesguy JW (this is, in fact, a real cosmetics rep at the Sephora in Southcenter and I adore him) trying on red lipsticks. I am getting jealous of Anna because she can manage to make her lipsticks look so perfect (one of the many perks of being a vampire is excellent hand coordination) and I just look like a little kid trying on her mummy's makeup. Or at best, someone who put on her red lipstick in the dark while driving down a road full of potholes. In Iowa. So Anna tells me she'll help me put mine on, but I tell her first that I need an orange julius. (Which is bizarre...because I haven't had an orange julius for at least 2 years. The last time being when my brother Nathan and I went to the Bellevue Square Mall so that we could buy our Daddy's Christmas gift at the Bose store.) So I pop out of Sephora and who should be there to meet me, but Bolma. And she's MMMMMMAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!!!!!! She wants to kill me for stealing Anna away from her! So she starts to chase me...and I'm having a hard time running away from her. I run back into Sephora because I know that Anna will keep me safe from crazy Bolma. But the catch is...Bolma happens to be a shape-shifter...a power that only works when she is in Sephora. And she shape-shifts into the shape of Anna. OH NO! What do I do? How do I keep myself safe from crazy Bolma when I don't know which one she is! Auuuggghhh!
At this point in the dream, I woke up. I then professed a desire to go to Sephora to my husband. He took me down that afternoon, where JW helped me pick out 2 beautiful shades of red lipstick. Because...my dreams make me crave makeup. At least they don't make me crave food! Oooh and I found (Denise you're going to love this!) a sampler of 10 different mascaras! I'm going to wrap them up and put them under the Christmas tree to open on Christmas day and act surprised!! And this...ladies and gentlemen...is proof that reading Twilight can be hazardous to your sleep schedule and to your husband's wallet. Because I've had insomnia ever since that dream...and well...2 lipsticks and a 10-sampler-pack of mascara at Sephora isn't exactly cheap!

Tell me, friends...what do your dreams make you crave?